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December 21, 2012
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There’s a song that I don’t skip over.

That I’m not allowed to skip over when it comes up.

It’s not a particularly good song, but it has very fitting lyrics. And if I can hear them without thinking that someone needs to hurt me, then everything is okay.

I know that I’m okay.

The first time that I’d stood on this bridge I got Stairway to Heaven, which is a great song, and which I’d been happy to listen to while I watched the running water and worried about a class and a guy who’d unnerved me. And I’d been hoping I’d get a similar song this time, sitting with my back against the railing and my feet under me to spare my legs the snow and ice.

But this song came up, and I had to let it play.

I don’t have a lot of rules, but I don’t ever, EVER let myself break the ones I do.

To the point of cruelty sometimes.

And this guy is still unnerving me, because it’s not something I’m ever supposed to feel. It’s not safe.

I can’t rely on people, not on REAL people. On characters. On ideals. On myself, to a certain degree. But then, I do stupid things too. I sit on icy bridges at night and below freezing just to listen to music and get out of the house for a while. And I push myself too far, always, because if I’m physically capable of doing something then that’s it; it’s happening, and I don’t get to back down.

‘She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind’

That’s me. I live in this world, but I don’t trust it. I will never trust it. The system doesn’t work, you’re not supposed to try and make it work. But it’s safe enough so long as you understand that.

I’m not sure I still understand that.

‘Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds’

I do. I don’t need to worry about that. I’m so grounded it HURTS sometimes.

‘Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle’

I haven’t really assigned meaning to that phrase. But I’d guess it’s referencing my almost constant cruelty, which isn’t really cruelty at all if it’s for my own protection.

Vaccines aren’t abusive. Curfews aren’t. There need to be laws, and I need…to not let myself be hurt anymore.

To not let my dog be hurt anymore. Me…actually, after a point I was kind of happy to take it. I have this weird thought…this belief that I’m a cutter, even though I’ve never put a blade to my skin. Because I freaked out when no one was hurting me anymore. It wasn’t right. And it wasn’t what I wanted.

So I think I’d be an addict, or maybe I am one already.

‘So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out’

This part is tricky. This part has changed.

‘But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
Or the wolf's gonna blow it down’

That’s always meant my dog. Service dog. Something everyone was sure would save me, just turned out to be the millstone around my neck. Made everything worse. But of course I still love him. That’s the part that makes me want to laugh; a laugh that deserves to have fangs behind it because it’s only FUNNY if you’re mad as the joker and in twice as much pain.

I love my dog so much. He’s sitting here in the snow with me, wrapped in a warm winter jacket and waiting patiently until we can move again.

For a long time my dog was the only man in my life.

You think you can trust him, you stupid girl? You know how this ends. What are you doing?

Would I be okay? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself ever since this thing started. Would I be okay if it was over?

And as long as the answer is yes, I get to continue.

But as soon as it’s no it’ll be too late.

I am self-destructive. I always knew I was.

‘Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle’

No. Not going to. I’m dangerously, IMPOSSIBLY stubborn, the kind you just need to take a hammer and BEAT into submission, and quite often I’ve turned that force on myself.

Telling myself how I’m not allowed to be weak. Have to keep going. Don’t get any concessions.

But now I’m rebellious. I’m not letting myself do that. My mind has always held my heart firmly beneath its heel. It would appear that’s no longer the case.

‘Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic’

But it’s not, now. Not really.

But how quickly could that change?

Would I be okay?

Yes, I would.

‘If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it’

Do I ever believe anything?

‘But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah’

How often do I get what I want, though? Is it even right to hope anymore?

Now that, that’s always meant that I wasn’t a liar, and that I didn’t deserve what happened to me. But now that’s changed as well.

Some would say I don’t need a man in my life. I’m a strong, independent woman who can be happy on her own.

But maybe it’s something I can want?

‘Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle’

I actually don’t think I’m going to. And maybe that’s the most frightening thing of all.

I’m just going to let it happen. This is how I get hurt. And maybe that’s my normal, and maybe it feels right, but I’ve spent a lot of time in fantasies and I like their lie that I get to be safe.

Which may not be a lie after all.
I don't own the song, I just borrow it occasionally in place of a psychiatrist.

And this kind of ended up sounding darker than it is. Artistic license, I guess.
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:iconlupusintus:
LupusIntus Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very powerful! Just jam-packed with raw emotion that is so difficult to capture.
Love it :D
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:iconthedeviantauthor-117:
Its inspiring, and for once, I truly have no words
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:iconfrostyshadows:
I love this song, I've always felt like it was one of those with lyrics that could be intepreted in so many ways, could feel personal to so many different people. You wrote this beautifully. It feel so personal and raw, and I just find it nice when people actually show their true selves through artwork.
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:icontruthistruth:
TruthisTruth Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know that song, and it's one of my favorites. Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore. A very well written piece of literature, by the way. It's wonderful. ^^
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:iconconstantmirror:
Oh wow. Just wow. This glimpse into your mind. I really wish I knew you. You have things worth saying.
Reply
:iconsentientguy:
I am always here as long as you want me, things in this world are never set in stone but my feet are firmly planted on this. I will not move, nor bow to the greatest winds, I will not become brittle and break to anything. I promise you.
Reply
:iconbalunstormhands:
It isn't that hopeless. There are good people out there. tough to find yes, but out there nonetheless.
Reply
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